Happy 8th Birthday Xavier! & Happy Anniversary Devoney! I love you both.

Once there was a boy who was born to goodly parents.

He was their second child but their first son.

He had a loving older sister, who liked being in charge.

And while he hoped for a brother, he got 3 more sisters.

But he learned to love them just the same as a brother.

Especially when they played He-Man with him.

Even though they brought along their Barbies who towered over He-Man.

He loved to go camping and fishing with his dad.

He also loved to watch movies and tv with his dad.

He loved to go shopping with his mom.

He loved staying up late to talk with his mom.

But really he just loved spending time with his family.

Exciting vacations were great fun.

He especially loved Disneyland, really all things Disney.

But staying close to home could lead to "some fun Saturdays".

He loved being young and care free, but life moves on.

He grew, and he grew until it became time to start his own family.

So though he tried and he tried , he got a rough start.

But as luck would turn out he found a young Canuck who was far-out.

Though at first he struck out, she eventually came about (though she may say "aboot").

The year was 2004 and a union was sealed.

Lost in their own little paradise, they looked forward to life and all it may contain.

Happy with life they progressed forward with news that their firstborn would soon be here.

Joyously looking forward they began to prepare.

Looking forward to parenthood and all the joy they had to look forward to.

He thought what fun it will be to take his little one fishing.

And of all the fun talks they would share.

But all the while they were unaware what lied near.

Sadly they mourned the miscarriage, hoping to one day reunite with that sweet soul.

Life continued to move forward with its ups and downs.

They had good days and bad but together they moved on.

Their hopes arose again as another sweet soul was granted to their family.

But sadly this one to, awaits them in heaven.

Hopes of taking his new child camping.

Or on an all day shopping spree.

Drew to a close.

But the sun did come out and once again they held each other up.

While he started to doubt, he would ever get to be a dad.

Along came another sweet spirit to join their family.

Hoping that the 3rd time would be a charm, hopes once again arose.

He could not wait to take his child on vacation to Disneyland.

But most of all he just hoped to hold him in his arms.

While at first all was well, bad news availed.

The doctors declared "He will not survive pregnancy".

But they did not give up on him, they wanted to give their child every chance to survive.

On on September 11th, 2007 he did prevail against great odds.

And Xavier Michael Wolfe was born.

Despite his victory the doctors declared "He will not survive the hour...day...week...the month"

But neither Xavier or his parents listened.

With all the worry and commotion surrounding the birth becoming a father had no settled in.

But later that night huddled over the crib in the NICU.

Xavier gripped onto his finger with his little hand.

And all of a sudden he knew he was a father.

And that he would do whatever it took to take care of his firstborn son.

While Xavier faced many challenges, he always overcame them.

But never alone he always had his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, & cousins at his side.

Despite any disabilities he was very capable.

Xavier's loved to love and loved be loved.

As time went on they adjusted to being mom and dad.

And did not see or want it to end.

But Xavier's got sick and he was suffering greatly.

His good days decreased, and again the doctors declared "He will not survive".

But this time his little body seemed to agree.

His little lungs had collapsed for the second time.

And did not have the strength to ween off the machines.

The doctors explained and advised all the available options.

None were good.

Some may have extended his time here, but would have caused much more pain and suffering.

Faced with the worst decision a parent could ever face.

They had to decide to let him die in peace.

Or to try and beat the odds, while causing much pain and agony to their little man.

He was lost and felt incapable of making such a choice.

Either way he could not fulfill his duty and desire as a father to truly protect his son.

But a decision was made.

And their sweet angel slipped away to heaven while resting in his arms.

Being overwhelmed with feelings of loss, regret and failure.

He whept tears of sorrow and cried sounds of agony.

He was sure it would never get better.

And while in many ways it does not, life does go on.

While forever grateful for the 22 months they shared.

He knew life would never be the same. 

Once again they had to hold each other up.

And find ways of distracting themselves from their daily routine.

For him this was done in attempting to keep a promise he has made to Xavier.

He had promised Xavier he would become a nurse, to be able to better care for him.

But now maybe it was to take care of others on behalf of Xavier.

Or perhaps it was because he felt regret in not being able to save and protect Xavier.

While he plugged away the registered nursing program for 3+ years.

It too was not meant to be.

Falling short by two questions on the last test in the program.

He hit a unsurmountable brick wall.

Once again lost his way, and broke his will.

He again felt the loss of Xavier, and the grief of failing him once again.

But again held afloat by his wife and family.

He began to find new purpose and goals in life.

And though he still struggles finding the strength.

He tries to keep moving forward.

Perhaps one day he will earn the right to be a father again in this life.

But his greatest desire is to be reunited with Xavier and his two angel siblings again someday.

So he can become the father they deserve.

But for now he will take life one day at a time

Continuing to be kept afloat by his beautiful wife.

Who hopefully still finds some buoyancy from his support.

The date is now September 11th, 2015, which is Xavier's 8th birthday.

So on this date, I want to remember and honor Xavier and all the happiness and joy in brought into all of of the lives he touched.

In life we all to often focus on our worldly desires and wants, and let them block us from seeing and appreciating the things that really matter. I am thankful to Xavier for showing me the true importance of this life, and for him continually being my focus.

Happy Birthday Xavier, my sweet little man! 

Love you, Dad

And while I started this post with Xavier in mind, I would also like to wish my beautiful wife Devoney a happy anniversary. As we will be celebrating our 11th anniversary next week.

Wearing my Emotions Inside Out!

This weekend we went and saw the new Disney/Pixar film "Inside Out" which I highly recommend if you have not yet seen it, but as I was watching it made me ponder some things in my own life which often feels inside out. So hopefully without giving away to much from the film, I wanted to put my thoughts into words. I will try not to shed to much on the film's plot as my focus is my own thoughts and feelings that were provoked by the film.

Prior to seeing the move I had been thinking a lot about my little guy (Xavier Michael Wolfe) who passed away six years ago today, just a few months before his second birthday. While he is frequently in my heart and my thoughts, the anniversary of his death is one of the many times of the year that I really miss and think about him more so than normal. So as I watched "Inside Out" he was already weighing heavily on my thoughts, so I found myself thinking about him as the movie played out.

Again I will try not to give away to much more than what the previews do about the film, but the general concept of "Inside Out" is to tell the story of the individual emotions within each of us and how they as a whole determine who we are as a person. To do so they used Disney's magic of animation and storytelling they take us inside the the minds of the show's characters to what the rightly called the headquarters where all the individual emotions live in the form of additional characters. At the time of the Riley's (the primary character in the show) birth her headquarters was only inhabited by a single emotion, which was Joy, and you could see Riley's joy in her facial expressions.

As I saw this represented up on screen, I thought about Xavier and how much joy he showed in his facial expressions and how contagious his joyful spirit was. He reached out and touched everyone who saw him as well many who only ever heard about him. As I thought about this I wished that his whole life could have been filled with this joy. But unfortunately just like Riley in the movie, Joy did not remain alone in the headquarters as she was soon joined by Sadness the second emotion to move in. 

And while we as parents tried to protect Xavier from sadness it does occur,  and it can come in many forms from something as simple as being hungry or having a dirty diaper. I fear Xavier's levels of sadness were greatly intensified by the pain brought from his ailments. Starting shortly after birth he had complications that nearly took him back to Heaven, as he struggled breathing. But despite these difficult moments that brought much agony and sadness into his life he continued to find Joy in his life and share it with all of us around him. In his short time (Just over 22 months) he faced a lot of problems in his life that caused him pain and hardships but he always stood strong and surpassed all expectations his doctors had for him.

In the movie the focused on Five emotions; Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger. And it was these five emotions and memories of how they all play out in our lives that determines our personality and who we are which was represented by what they called personality islands. While I know Xavier felt emotions of joy and sadness, I also fear that he also knew fear all to well. As I would imagine his near death experiences and other painful situations were cause for great as well. But I do believe he also had a strong connection with our Heavenly Father, if which I hope may have helped to relieve some of the fears that he may have had.

One other emotion that I feel played a great role in defining Xavier's personality that was not represented in the film (Other than in the cute short attached to the beginning of the movie titled 'Lava") was love. Xavier was full of love, and loved to snuggle and share his love with everyone, and he was also loved by everyone. He was so sweet and lovable that he was irresistible. While he could not see very well when he heard the voice of someone familiar he was overjoyed with love and would start smiling and roaring his love with his precious little roar. He was always excited to get company.

While I try to rejoice in the good times that he did have and all the blessings he brought into our lives and all the lives that he has touched. I still wish that as his father I could have done a better job of protecting Xavier from the things in this life that caused him fear, sadness, pain, and ultimately lead to his death. While I still struggle with this, watching "Inside Out" this week helped me with this feeling, as (possible small spoiler alert) the emotions in the film learn that joy does not happen on it's own but it is brought on by overcoming sadness or other emotional situations. While I have heard this before in the scriptures and at church, the representation of joy coming from sadness in the film really hit home with me in the show. 

So while I still fill inside out and I have a long way to go to fully understanding myself and my own personal emotions. I am thankful for the time that I got spend with Xavier during his short time on earth, and for the great influence he has been in my life. 

I love you Xavier and miss you very much, I hope to see you again someday!

Love,

Dad

For my Mom and all the Mothers in my Life

Mother is a term that is oft overlooked and taken for granted after all everyone has one, and  heck many people have more than one. It does not take an education or degree of any type to become a mother, its so easy to become a mother that more and more people are achieving motherhood before they even graduate high school, and according to the internet the youngest mother of record is only 5 years old. Its so easy to become a mom that many people achieve motherhood without even trying.  So what's so special about mothers that we set aside a whole day out of 365 just for them? 

Well when I think of my mom and all the mothers (my grandmothers, my aunts, my friends mothers, the mother of my son, the mothers of nieces and nephews) in my life some of the first things that come to mind are: Generosity, Love, Sacrifice, and Selflessness. And these are just a few of the many characteristics that I believe empower most if not all mothers. Not only do they possess these great qualities they overflow with them showering their greatness upon their children and those around them. 

While combined all these characteristics a mother makes, I would like to look closer at each of them individually based upon the influences I have experienced first hand with the mothers in my life.

Generosity: the quality of being kind and generous

As I mentioned before there are no degrees or certifications to becoming a mother, but I don't believe anyone can or has given birth to a child without having the quality of being kind and generous. Even if pregnancy was not the plan or the intention. The process of growing a child within you for nine months is more kind and generous than anything else any of us do in this life. And despite the circumstances every child who is given the opportunity to grow and live within their mothers womb is granted the gift of life from their mother. And while this gift is oft overlooked it is truly a an act of generosity, especially in a world where society often makes alternative options seem so valid and easy. While being a man i have never and never will be required to make the decision of granting life unto a child, I personally don't believe that there should be any question as I believe life begins at conception. So I am thankful to all women whose generosity has brought life into this world, because without it we truly would cease to exist.

While my initial thought was to work through these alphabetically I think I am going to Sacrifice as it is so intertwined with my thoughts on Generosity.

Sacrifice: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy

Like I said my thoughts on Sacrifice are very intertwined with my thoughts on Generosity. The gift of life that is given comes at a great Sacrifice on the mothers part, as the process of providing life and shelter to the child within them not only is laborious, but can effect their health negatively even to the extreme of death. While not all women and/or girls who become pregnant are willing to make this sacrifice but those who do should be recognized and honored for their sacrifice. While many women make this sacrifice in order to build up and create a family for themselves and their husbands. There are also many whom I feel make even a greater sacrifice, and that is those mothers who face unexpected pregnancies and despite not being ready or able to take on the full responsibilities of becoming a full-time parent, but yet they they still choose life. They not only sacrifice of themselves for nine months of carrying a child, and grant the child with the opportunity to live. But they also choose to sacrifice the opportunity of raising this sweet being they have brought into the world, in order to give they child an opportunity to become a part of a forever family. While I would encourage all mothers (and fathers) to consider all options (on the side of life that is.) before choosing adoption. But if you decide to raise up your child or place them in a forever family through adoption, I commend you on your great Generosity, Sacrifice , and Love.

Love: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person

And just like I said before that Sacrifice and Generosity were intertwined we would likely never see either of them without Love. In my opinion Love and hate are what makes the world go around, because without either of them we would not have desire or motivation to do anything beyond the natural desire to survive. But the love and/or the hate of something motivates and pushes us to do more or less. If we did not care (love) about those around us and in our lives we would do only what it takes to survive, or even less if we don't love ourselves. So I believe that it is the love a mother has for her child or future child that motivates them to become a mother and gives them the strength to endure the sacrifices involved in becoming a mother. Or sometimes through the love of other things and desires motherhood is brought on unexpectedly. But regardless if motivation or intention it is the love of the child that gives all mothers the strength and motivation to generously give the gift of life to their unborn child, through their great sacrifice. 

Selflessness: concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own

Once again it seems that the last characteristic that I thought of is again intertwined with all of the rest. While when I thought about the mothers in my lives it was not my intention to weave a tangled web of definitions, it is becoming clearer to me that these great characteristics all work together to make our mothers the strong and wonderful people that they are. How could anyone become a mother with out overcoming the selfishness that we are all born with. Our mothers give so much of their selves through generosity and love, sacrificing so much with concern to their own selfish needs and desires.

And while the Generosity, Sacrifice, Love, and Selflessness of a mother begins with the gift of life, it definitely does not end there. As every step of motherhood continues to pull and strain on these attributes for the rest of eternity. Whether it be through raising your child, or contemplating the choices you have made for them hoping it was the right one. Perhaps seeing them falter, and feeling helpless as your forced to let them make their own decisions. Or sometimes despite all the love and care you provide maybe its not enough to bring them through everything (health and or worldly struggles, and you doubt if you've done enough. Or if you've chose to place a child in a forever home perhaps you will struggle not knowing where they are or how they are doing. But regardless of your situation know that you are loved and cherished for all that you have done for each of us. 

Count your many siblings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

While this post is a bit belated as National Siblings day of 2015 has come and gone, I am okay with that as, because as great as it is that we have a national day set aside to recognize our siblings I think we should strive to recognize and honor our siblings daily. As i was scrolling through Facebook yesterday I was pleased to be able to pictures and posts of my friends and families in celebration of their siblings, plus it was a good reminder i still needed to get this post put together.

I feel that we all to often overlook and take for granted the value of our family bonds. I know I will go days or weeks without taking the time to reach out and check in with my family members. Sure we all have other things going on in our lives, but to be honest I notice that when I have more free time available I reach out less. Perhaps it is related to my ongoing procra stination syndrome (Take note of the belated timing of this post.) but regardless of any excuses I may have I need to do better, perhaps i will start working on that next week...But for now I will get on with my post.

The word "sibling" is defined as follows:  

sib·ling

/ˈsibliNG/

1. each of two or more children or offspring having one or both parents in common; a brother or sister.

Which is pretty straight forward but yet very lacking, and incomplete. While the simplicity of the definition seems to overlook and perhaps leave out a families with varied backgrounds or situations, I want to come up with a definition that is more fitting to my experiences, while I hope all of you have been blessed to have similar experiences with your siblings, I hope that my definition will help you to better recognize the value of your own sibling no matter how you define them. 

As I was thinking about my siblings today I tried to think who I would be without them in order to increase my appreciation for them, and though I may be lacking in wealth, education and a lot of other things in my life that is not what i am thinking about. I am thinking more about who I am, and again i know i am far from perfection and have many faults and weaknesses. But most of those issues are despite their great influences. 

As I contemplated a life with no siblings, which was something I wished for at different times in my childhood, luckily it was never granted. I began to think about all of the experiences and life lessons I would have missed out on. Good and bad I would have missed out on a lot. And it is based on these experiences that I began to put together my definition  

Whether through love and care or through spite and jealousy, the people in our loves effect us, and while i would like to say in my family it was always the former that kept us going there was a bit of the latter as well. But overall I am thank full for my siblings not only for what they did for me, but for what they allowed me to do for them. As they have always been their for me in my times of need, even when i would try to shut them out, and because they let me do the same for them it has helped to be a better person. 

Ok so here is my personal definition for sibling:

sib·ling

/ˈsibliNG/

1. a Barbie for your He-Man. (boy was i glad to finally get a brother when i was 12.)
2. a beacon of light in the dark.
3. a checklist to keep you in check.
4. a clown when you feel down.
5. a cohort in your plan(s) to overthrow your parents rule.
6. a co-op partner to save the Mushroom Kingdom.
7. a defender even in times of offense.
8. a fellow Saturday morning cartoon warrior.
9. a friend even when you don't want one.
10. a guide who knows when to ask for directions.
11. a leader who knows when to follow.
12. a life preserver when you go off the deep end.
13. a reminder of what really matters in life.
14. a scapegoat when your busted.
15. a source of inspiration to be the best YOU!
16. a spark to ignite your imagination.
17. a teacher who is ok with also being the student.
18. a trendsetter that will pass on their style. (In the form of hand-me-downs.)
19. an alarm clock, when you want to sleep in.
20. a tuner when you have fallen out of tune.
21. practice for the real world.
22. someone that sees the best in you despite knowing the worst.
23. someone that wants everything you have but would give it all up for you.
24. someone that will play a board game with you even when they are not bored.
25. someone to bring your schoolwork home if you get your finger stuck in your throat.
26. someone to get you off the hook, as long as your willing to bait their hooks.
27. someone to remember your most embarrassing moments and knows just when to bring them up.
28. someone to share those "Some Fun Saturdays" with.
29. someone to share your Twix Bar with.
30. someone to talk to even when nothing is said.
31. someone who will pretend they don't know while you ride the kiddie rides at K-Mart. (I don't think they list an age or size limit.) 
32. someone wearing a matched outfit with you on family outings.
33. someone who loves you despite you ability to annoy.
34. the soundtrack/laugh track you can't turn off, on a long car ride.
35. the sun on a rainy day.
36. your voice when you lose the courage to speak for yourself.

Ok so i know that my definition is still not complete as their so many blessings large and small that have been brought into my life, through my eternal connection to my four sisters and my brother all of whom have been blessed to be able to put up with never ending harassment and teasing from me over the last 35 years. 

So while i am still an imperfect person with a long way to go in many directions i am thankful for all of my siblings and all that they have done, do and will do to inspire and lead me in this life. I know that they had not been such a big part of my life, that I would be lost, and that my life experiences would have had so much less meaning to them. I am also thankful for my extended siblings who have entered into our family through marriage and for the added blessings and joy they have brought with them.