This weekend we went and saw the new Disney/Pixar film "Inside Out" which I highly recommend if you have not yet seen it, but as I was watching it made me ponder some things in my own life which often feels inside out. So hopefully without giving away to much from the film, I wanted to put my thoughts into words. I will try not to shed to much on the film's plot as my focus is my own thoughts and feelings that were provoked by the film.
Prior to seeing the move I had been thinking a lot about my little guy (Xavier Michael Wolfe) who passed away six years ago today, just a few months before his second birthday. While he is frequently in my heart and my thoughts, the anniversary of his death is one of the many times of the year that I really miss and think about him more so than normal. So as I watched "Inside Out" he was already weighing heavily on my thoughts, so I found myself thinking about him as the movie played out.
Again I will try not to give away to much more than what the previews do about the film, but the general concept of "Inside Out" is to tell the story of the individual emotions within each of us and how they as a whole determine who we are as a person. To do so they used Disney's magic of animation and storytelling they take us inside the the minds of the show's characters to what the rightly called the headquarters where all the individual emotions live in the form of additional characters. At the time of the Riley's (the primary character in the show) birth her headquarters was only inhabited by a single emotion, which was Joy, and you could see Riley's joy in her facial expressions.
As I saw this represented up on screen, I thought about Xavier and how much joy he showed in his facial expressions and how contagious his joyful spirit was. He reached out and touched everyone who saw him as well many who only ever heard about him. As I thought about this I wished that his whole life could have been filled with this joy. But unfortunately just like Riley in the movie, Joy did not remain alone in the headquarters as she was soon joined by Sadness the second emotion to move in.
And while we as parents tried to protect Xavier from sadness it does occur, and it can come in many forms from something as simple as being hungry or having a dirty diaper. I fear Xavier's levels of sadness were greatly intensified by the pain brought from his ailments. Starting shortly after birth he had complications that nearly took him back to Heaven, as he struggled breathing. But despite these difficult moments that brought much agony and sadness into his life he continued to find Joy in his life and share it with all of us around him. In his short time (Just over 22 months) he faced a lot of problems in his life that caused him pain and hardships but he always stood strong and surpassed all expectations his doctors had for him.
In the movie the focused on Five emotions; Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger. And it was these five emotions and memories of how they all play out in our lives that determines our personality and who we are which was represented by what they called personality islands. While I know Xavier felt emotions of joy and sadness, I also fear that he also knew fear all to well. As I would imagine his near death experiences and other painful situations were cause for great as well. But I do believe he also had a strong connection with our Heavenly Father, if which I hope may have helped to relieve some of the fears that he may have had.
One other emotion that I feel played a great role in defining Xavier's personality that was not represented in the film (Other than in the cute short attached to the beginning of the movie titled 'Lava") was love. Xavier was full of love, and loved to snuggle and share his love with everyone, and he was also loved by everyone. He was so sweet and lovable that he was irresistible. While he could not see very well when he heard the voice of someone familiar he was overjoyed with love and would start smiling and roaring his love with his precious little roar. He was always excited to get company.
While I try to rejoice in the good times that he did have and all the blessings he brought into our lives and all the lives that he has touched. I still wish that as his father I could have done a better job of protecting Xavier from the things in this life that caused him fear, sadness, pain, and ultimately lead to his death. While I still struggle with this, watching "Inside Out" this week helped me with this feeling, as (possible small spoiler alert) the emotions in the film learn that joy does not happen on it's own but it is brought on by overcoming sadness or other emotional situations. While I have heard this before in the scriptures and at church, the representation of joy coming from sadness in the film really hit home with me in the show.
So while I still fill inside out and I have a long way to go to fully understanding myself and my own personal emotions. I am thankful for the time that I got spend with Xavier during his short time on earth, and for the great influence he has been in my life.
I love you Xavier and miss you very much, I hope to see you again someday!
Love,
Dad
