The Best Chapter of my Life!

In the journey that is my life I have had many adventures full of ups and downs and though throughout most of them there are things that I wish I would have done differently or skipped all together. Usually when these moments occur or you discuss them later, one of my least favorite phrases tends to surface. While it comes in a variety of forms but basically it is "that everything happens for a reason" while I hate hearing this I usually do eventually agree that everything does happen for a reason. It would just be nice if we could know upfront the reasoning behind it. But knowing (or at least hoping) that everything happens for a reason, I would not want to change anything in my life prior to September 11th, 2007.

So now your asking why September 11th of 2007? Well it was on this day that I achieved the greatest honor a man can achieve in this life and that is becoming a father. My wife Devoney and I had were married in 2004 and prior to this pregnancy we'd had two miscarriages. So while we were excited about our coming child we were also concerned something might go wrong but we still kept our hopes that all would be well. And things started out pretty good with all of the doctor check ups going according to plan. 

But then at the 6 month checkup the doctors gave us some bad news, there were a few concerns but the the primary concern was that they suspected that he had hydrocephalus.

Hydrocephalus: a condition in which fluid accumulates in the brain, typically in young children, enlarging the head and sometimes causing brain damage.

Which was devastating news, but we knew that despite the extra challenges our son would face in life that we would love him just the same and do whatever we could to take care him. So in the next few months with Devoney on bed rest we began to prepare the way for our son.

Knowing that he would require much more attention and care, we decided to sale our brand new house which we had just gotten into about a year earlier. We made this decision for two reasons one we knew that our medical expenses were going to be much higher than we expected and that, this would allow Devoney the freedom to stay home full time if we found someplace cheaper to live. And at first that cheaper place  ended up being my dad and mom's house, which besides the free rent turned out to be a blessing for other reasons later on. We also met with a specialist who confirmed the diagnosis and recommended we schedule the delivery to be done at the University of Utah Hospital, so we would be near Primary Children's Hospital incase he needed it.

Shortly before the date arrived I ended up losing my job, which was stressful at the time, but again it later became clear that it was for the best. And luckily we had successfully sold our house with some left over to help cover our initial medical expenses. And the time flew by at least for maybe not so much for Devoney who was still on bed rest. But the day had come!

So we made our way down to Salt Lake City, and on the morning of September 11th of 2007 before going into delivery the doctors decided to do cat-scan which unfortunately bore bad news. The images showed that he did not have hydrocephalus, but that it was actually hydranencephaly and it was quite severe. His brain consisted of only the stem and strands that

Hydranencephaly, is a disorder where the cerebral hemispheres are completely or near absent at birth, including the cerebral cortex and basal ganglia and are replaced by cerebrospinal fluid.

extended from it. Because of which they told us he had zero chance of survival and that they would not perform the planned c-section and that they did not plan to monitor his birth. While we were devastated and had no idea what we could do, but we needed to do all we could. Starting with not giving up on him like the doctors had done. We insisted they monitor the birth and give him the best chance to make it. And though they still disagreed they did as requested, and at 7:47 PM our sweet little boy arrived. 

Prior to getting the heartbreaking news about how bad his condition was, we had not yet been able to agree on a a name for our little man. We both liked a few different names but after learning of his condition and and the difficulties and disabilities he would face, I decided that it would be fitting to name him after a superhero who also faced the challenges of a disability, who through his strong will to live and do good, still reached out and positively influenced the lives of others. I had also wanted to name him after my own real life hero, a man who I knew would always be there for my son in his times of need, someone whose strength and kindness had positively influenced my life and the life of so many others. So I suggested my name choice to Devoney (though I did not mention the superhero connection as Neo and Kalel both got shot down for their superhero connections) and we both agreed it was the perfect name for our little man. So we named him Xavier Michael Wolfe, Xavier after Professor Charles Xavier of the X-Men and Michael after my dad.

Despite his beating the odds placed on him, the doctors were still pretty grim. They told us we would not survive longer than a few minutes, and then only a couple hours, followed by that he would not make it through the night, and then only a day or two, which grew into weeks and then months. But we quickly learned that Xavier's sweet spirit did not play by the same rules the doctors followed. And that we would do whatever we could to make him comfortable and happy.

Although Xavier is really our third child as we know that we will be reunited with our two children that miscarried previously. I did not truly feel that I was a father until late in the night of Xavier's birth when he was in the nursery and I was standing beside his crib and he grabbed ahold of my finger with his little hand. And it was at that moment when I knew what it meant to be a dad, and I promised my little guy I would do my best to take care of him.

With the staff at the hospital still determined he would not survive they sent us home the next morning only after first having us make arrangements with a mortuary in both Idaho and Utah as they were sure we would need them before getting home. But we made it home and though we did have a few close calls in those first few couple of months for the most part he did quite well. Xavier needed a lot of care but we were more than willing to give it to him, and luckily living with his grandma and grandpa who would also do anything for him made our lives much easier. As we pretty much needed someone to be up with him at all times. So we took shifts, I usually got the nightshifts when grandma did not steal him away. And it was truly a blessing to be able to have the time to spend with him.

Our family doctors did a great job of helping us take care of him, but it eventually got to the point that he needed more than they could provide. Typically with hydranencephaly, they will put a shunt in right away to alleviate pressure buildup. But we were told when he was born that because of the severity of his condition that they would not do it, and that no other doctors would. But our family doctors suggested going up to Primary Children's Hospital (in Salt Lake City, Utah) and insisting on it. But when we got there they were fantastic, we did not need to insist they were determined to do the best thing for our little guy as well, much better experience than we had with their neighboring hospital. And though they could not put the shunt in right away, because he had an infection that had to clear up first, they took excellent care of him and were much better at working with his doctors at home. 

And when the time did come to get his shunt placed again they took such good care of our little man. It was such a relief to see the change in him as built up pressure was released, he was always a happy little monkey but the pain he was in had to be unimaginable. So it was such a relief for me to see him so happy. Primary's Children Hospital quickly became Xavier's home away from home which was not always a good thing but they also took good care of all of us.

After Xavier's shunt placement he did have other minor surgeries there as well but that was the most life changing for him and us. After his shunt was placed and the doctors were more hopeful of his survival we began to try and get back to a more structured life. (Though Xavier never really cared for a sleep schedule) but I went back to work as a nursing assistant in Blackfoot, ID and we were still dwelling in my parents basement. And Xavier doing great he was getting bigger and stronger. And we decided it was time to for me to try and go back to school I had wanted to become a nurse since high school, but life never went quite as planned. But I felt not only could I provide better for my family by going back to school but it would allow to take better care of my son in any future problems he may have.

So after looking into different nursing programs I decided on the one at the College of Southern Idaho (Big mistake but more on that on another day.) in Twin Falls, ID. I had previously lived in Twin Falls and worked as a Support Technician for Dell Computers, so I talked with them and they said they would take me back and also said they would try to work around my class schedule. My initial plan was to first do the LPN (practical nursing) program but then after looking into it I decided to just go right into the RN (registered nursing) program. But because of the wait list for that I did not end up starting classes until about a year after we moved. 

During that time Xavier did quite well, he had good days and bad days like all little ones do, but again we were confident that he would be with us for a long time. He had overcome so many obstacles and hurdles, and had such a strong will to live that we thought he could overcome anything. He had been working with multiple therapists who had helped him achieve many things we all take for granted. Though he was even learning a little bit of sign language which helped him express himself. He was legally blind but with some help from the doctors and some very cute little glasses we believe he was able to see a little more.

In May I decided to quit my job at Dell, I had already decided to quit at the end of the summer as they were not going to be able to work around my schedule as well as hoped and I was planning to find something else. But in April Xavier had some issues and spent a lot of time at his second home and then in May he had started getting sick and I felt it more important to be with him and fortunately because of his disabilities he would still have good health coverage. When he was sick we took him in to his local doctor who said it was just a cold and he would get over it which he seemed to do pretty quickly. After he was doing better we decided to go ahead with a planned trip to Canada (Devoney is from Cardston, Alberta) to see family. 

We had a great time traveling and visiting and Xavier got to meet some of his aunts, uncles, and cousins for the first time. Unfortunately we had to cut the trip short as my Grandma Evelyn Wolfe passed away while we were gone. So we headed back early to make it back for her funeral and though it was a sad  time it was also good to know she had been reunited with my grandpa again. 

Shortly after our return from Canada, Xavier had started to get sick again and though his doctor passed it off as a cold again, when we started having a hard time getting him to eat and take his meds we decided to take his grandma' sad vice and get him back up to Primary's. In which the trip itself was quite the adventure, for the 3 hour drive from my parent's house it took well over 6 hours and three vans. (One got wrecked everyone survived except the deer, one broke down and never ran again, and finally the oldest one huffed and puffed its way there. Though something or someone did not seem to want us to get there we finally made it and just in time. 

Shortly after arriving to the emergency room my little man's lungs and my heart collapsed, in a moment like that you feel so hopeless and can't help but wonder what you could have done differently to prevent this. As I stood there and watched them intubate my son and connect him up to machines to breath for him, I just wished I could do something even if it meant trading places with him. 

And though it was heartbreaking to see him in so much pain, I was so thankful to my mom who insisted we went to the hospital when we did. And that they doctors and nurses at Primary's were so caring and knowledgeable. I don't recall exact lengths of time but Xavier was in the hospital for quite awhile after her lungs collapsed, in order to get over the virus that caused his problems and to heal up from the damage it did. He had a difficult time coming off of the ventilator, so it took multiple attempts before he was strong enough to breath on his own. The virus was basically a cold virus, but because his body did not have a strong immune system it had devastating effects on him. But after about a month or so he was finally able to go home, so though we were appreciative of Primary Children's Hospital and The Ronald McDonald House which had become our home away from home many times during Xavier's many trips to Utah, we were excited and relieved to finally be taking our little man home again.

And though he was still having some difficulties we made it home and just started getting back into the groove of things, when Xavier's symptoms started to reoccur. Undecided if we should take him back to Primary's or the local ER we decided to seek immediate attention at the local ER first where they ended up life fighting him back to Primary's after his lungs collapsed again. His mom flew with him to Salt Lake and I headed up in car, but once again car troubles plagued my travels the head gasket blew on my Pontiac Sunfire, luckily I was close to home still and got a ride back to our apartment and started the travels again in our Pontiac Minivan which luckily made it back to Primary's. (The head gasket blew on it about a month later.) But anyhow I made it, and up with Devoney and Xavier back on the ventilator again, this time it was from another mild virus that he likely picked up from his first visit. 

At first we were hopeful that he would overcome this virus just like he had with the other, but the damage was greater this time and he had a harder time getting over both the virus and the damage that had been done. But we knew he had overcome many obstacles in his short life and that we needed to do whatever we could to help him overcome this new obstacle. But the doctors were not as hopeful, although they were much more caring and willing to do what we wanted they were not to sure about the outcome. We tried to make the best decisions we could with our limited knowledge and understandings of everything, but after about another month in the hospital. We were required to make the most difficult decision of our lives.

The doctors were confident that Xavier would not be able to come off the ventilator and breath on his own. They said that there was a slim possibility of him being able to survive if they performed a series of procedures and surgeries, but even with that they were not optimistic. And in his current condition and his suppressed immune system they were not sure he would survive the procedures. Their recommendation was to take him off the ventilation and keep him comfortable and let him go.

Not knowing what to do or what would be the best for him, it was difficult to decide what to do, but we finally decided that we did not want to put home through more pain and suffering, that would likely not help him in the end. And we decided to let go and let him return to our Heavenly Father.

But to this day I have struggle with whether we made the right decision or not, or if we made it for the right reasons. Shortly after making the decision they disconnected him from everything and let us hold our sweet innocent little boy for one last time. As I held him in my arms as he fought for his last breath, I was devastated as I sat there helpless once again unable to help my son, knowing he would miss out on so much in this life, I just wished he could have had more and that I could have done more for him. But he was gone.

And while I would have done anything to keep him from having to suffer so much in his short little life, and to have allowed him to live longer and experience what this life has to offer. And while his death was the greatest pain I have suffered, I would not have changed or traded anything in my life for the time that I was granted to have him here in my life. Having him in my life has made it all worth living so despite any trials or hardships I have faced in my life, they all led up to Xavier becoming a part of mine. So while I may ponder at times how my life could be greater if this or that happened or this and that didn't happen. I am so grateful for the events in my life that led to his existence in my life. And I still hate hearing that everything happens for a reason, and I'll always wish I could have done more for Xavier. His short 22 months with us changed me forever, he made me a father and though imperfect I will always be his dad and he'll always be my little man.

Happy 7th Birthday to my sweet little angel! I love you Xavier!

Don’t let the whirlwinds drag you down. These are your days—to stand strong as disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.

I have been given the opportunity to teach priesthood meeting on the fourth Sunday of every month. My lessons each month are based off a different talks from the General Conference, that are assigned to me to teach from. And I have decided that I would go ahead and share my lessons on my blog each month as well, in each post I will include a link to the original talk where you can read, watch or listen to it online. And with this post as well as any of my other posts, please don't see it as me trying to be preachy, because like they say usually those teaching have the most to learn, which is definitely the case for me.

Todays lesson comes from Elder Neil L. Andersen's talk called "Spiritual Whirlwinds" from last month's (April 2014) General Conference.

Click this link to Listen, Read, or Watch: Spiritual Whirlwinds by Elder Neil L. Andersen

In his talk he was speaking to the youth of our church about the importance of preparing for the spiritual whirlwinds that they may be faced with in the world around them. Like a physical whirlwind or tornado, spiritual whirlwinds can come at us from any direction and with no warning, and they are not likely to come in calmly but in full force. So we must prepare ourselves now and build upon a firm foundation that will allow us to weather through the storms that are coming.

In Doctrine & Covenants 88:91 in reference to the Second Coming of the Savior it says "And all things shall be in commotion; and surely, men’s hearts shall fail them; for fear shall come upon all people." It is this commotion that we must prepare ourselves for, so that we will not allow the fear to overcome us. Because if we have prepared we will have a firm foundation to stand upon while the storms whirl around us.

Brigham Young said, “It was revealed to me in the commencement of this Church, that the Church would spread, prosper, grow and extend, and that in proportion to the spread of the Gospel among the nations of the earth, so would the power of Satan rise.” So if we look at the growth of the church in recent years we can clearly see that we have made great strides as our missionary efforts have increased and Temples have risen up all across the world, the Gospel is spreading into many nations. But with that growth it is important to recognize that satan's power and influence has also grown. He is everywhere all the time, he comes in through our thoughts and actions, he comes in through our media and daily interactions.

So now more than ever we must build up our defenses and strengthen ourselves from the ongoing influence he has over all the world. While we often fear the prophesied earthquakes and wars we tend to overlook the spiritual whirlwinds that are here now, which can be just as devastating to our lives and the lives of our families. And all to often these attacks to our spirituality go unnoticed and if left unattended they can lead to a spiritual death.

As the adversary works to destroy us he uses every resource available to him to find his way in, to our hearts and our minds. So we must also use every resource available to us to build ourselves and others up. Satan is the master of temptation and manipulation and as such he has always used sin and transgression to damn the progress of our spiritual growth. While Sin and temptation have always been a part of this world since the creation of Adam and Eve, it has never been so prominent and acceptable as it is in the world we live in now. Not only are we bombarded by it from every direction in our daily lives, we are often made to feel like an outsider or mocked for our choices to not take part in something that is against our beliefs and standards.  

As we move forward in life we are constantly faced with choices and decisions that can have a long lasting effect on our lives and spirituality. But as we go through life not every spiritual whirlwind is going to enter into our lives as the result of a bad choice or wrongdoing. Sometimes they just happen because we are mortal and we don't have full control over our lives and the course it takes. These spiritual whirlwinds may come in the form of illness, loss of a loved one, or as the result of others choices and actions. But regardless of the source they can still be just as devastating to our progress. As they can take away our hope and faith, leaving us with no desire to move forward, but as we face these trials in life, and trust in God these can have the opposite result as they strengthen our faith and buildup our hope.

In First Corinthians 10:13  it says "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." In this scripture we are promised that there is no temptation or sin that we can not overcome and escape and that we will not be given more that we can bear. Though I know from personal experience it often feels like we are faced with challenges and problems in our lives that we can not bear or overcome. But if we trust in God and our savior Jesus Christ they will provide away for us. 

If we falter and are brought down by the temptations in Satan's spiritual whirlwinds we can still overcome the sins we have stumbled on in life, through the atonement of Jesus Christ. He has made it possible for all of us to go through the process of repentance and return to our Heavenly Father's loving embrace. 

In Elder Andersen's talk he says that "In nature, trees that grow up in a windy environment become stronger. As winds whip around a young sapling, forces inside the tree do two things. First, they stimulate the roots to grow faster and spread farther. Second, the forces in the tree start creating cell structures that actually make the trunk and branches thicker and more flexible to the pressure of the wind. These stronger roots and branches protect the tree from winds that are sure to return." And that "You are infinitely more precious to God than a tree. You are His son or His daughter. He made your spirit strong and capable of being resilient to the whirlwinds of life. The whirlwinds in your youth, like the wind against a young tree, can increase your spiritual strength, preparing you for the years ahead."

So despite the hardship and trials that we face in life we need to keep moving forward in life and use these experiences to strengthen our spirituality so we can be better prepared as we continue to face the challenges and trials of this life. We need to build ourselves up on a solid foundation, and let our Redeemer Jesus Christ be the foundation upon which we build. So that when the storms of life begin to beat down on you it will have no power to bring you down.

Elder Andersen then quotes, President Thomas S. Monson who has said, “Where once the standards of the Church and the standards of society were mostly compatible, now there is a wide chasm between us, and it’s growing ever wider.” of which Elder Andersen pointed out that "This chasm, for some, stirs strong spiritual whirlwinds."

He then continues with an example about how the world's definition of marriage been the topic of change and and progression. But despite the changing of the world's definition of marriage that we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, need to look to the doctrine found in 'The Family: A Proclamation to the World.' And that despite changes to civil laws of man we need to uphold to God's moral laws. 

While I think many of us will agree that this is an uncomfortable discussion to have, Elder Andersen asks why do continue to talk about this?  And he replies with a quote from Paul who said “We look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.” And that as "Apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ, we have the responsibility to teach our Creator’s plan for His children and to warn of the consequences of disregarding His commandments."

And that "While many governments and well-meaning individuals have redefined marriage, the Lord has not. In the very beginning, God initiated marriage between a man and a woman—Adam and Eve. He designated the purposes of marriage to go far beyond the personal satisfaction and fulfillment of adults to, more importantly, advancing the ideal setting for children to be born, reared, and nurtured. Families are the treasure of heaven."

And because families are the treasure of heaven I think it best if focus on that for a moment, because despite our differences and our struggles in life we are all sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father which makes us all brothers and sisters. So we need to learn to cherish that bond so that not only will it be the treasure of Heaven but also something we can cherish and strengthen in this life. I am sure we have all heard the phrase hate the sin and love the sinner, well I don't think that is possible. If we let hate into our hearts it will only spill over into other parts of our lives. So i feel it is important to just love the each other, and to do so without judgement or stipulation. By doing so not only will we strengthen each other but we might better understand each other as well. 

The Savior of mankind described Himself as being in the world but not of the world. We to must live in this world and as we learn to accept others for who they are and better understand each other, while remaining true to the Gospel of Jesus Christ we can strengthen our foundation.

Elder Andersen says "Of special concern to us should be those who struggle with same-sex attraction. It is a whirlwind of enormous velocity. I want to express my love and admiration for those who courageously confront this trial of faith and stay true to the commandments of God! But everyone, independent of his or her decisions and beliefs, deserves our kindness and consideration.

He also speaks of the Savior's teaching in that he 'taught us to love not only our friends but also those who disagree with us—and even those who repudiate us. He said: “For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? … And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others?”"

And that the Prophet Joseph Smith warned us to “beware of self-righteousness” and to enlarge our hearts toward all men and women until we feel “to take them upon our shoulders.” In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no place for ridicule, bullying, or bigotry.

h also quotes President Monson who said, "‘You have to stand alone.’ Hopefully...we will stand together in being true to God and to the teachings of His living prophets.”"

Elder Andersen said "if you have a question about counsel from the leaders of the Church, please discuss your honest concerns with your parents and leaders. You need the strength that comes from trusting the Lord’s prophets. President Harold B. Lee said: “The only safety we have as members of this church is to … learn to give heed to the words and commandments that the Lord shall give through His prophet. … There will be some things that take patience and faith. You may not like what comes. … It may contradict your political views … your social views … interfere with … your social life. But if you listen to these things, as if from the mouth of the Lord Himself, … ‘the gates of hell shall not prevail against you … and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you …’ (D&C 21:6)."

What are some of the tools and resources that we have available to us that can be used to protect us against the spiritual whirlwinds of life?

• Reading from scriptures. (The Book of Mormon along with all our other scriptures.)
• Building up our testimony and lean the testimony of others when ours is not strong enough.
• Going to church and being actively involved in our wards and stakes.
• Attending the temple and living up to the covenants we have made there.
• Stand strong as disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ
• Build more firmly your foundation upon the rock of your Redeemer.
• Treasure more completely His incomparable life and teachings.
• Follow more diligently His example and His commandments.
• Embrace more deeply His love, His mercy and grace, and the powerful gifts of His Atonement.

As you do these things, Elder Andersen said "I promise you that you will see the whirlwinds for what they are—tests, temptations, distractions, or challenges to help you grow. And as you live righteously year after year, I assure you that your experiences will confirm to you again and again that Jesus is the Christ. The spiritual rock under your feet will be solid and secure. You will rejoice that God has placed you here to be a part of the final preparations for Christ’s glorious return. The Savior said, “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” This is His promise to you. I know this promise is real. I know that He lives, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

"Hey Brother," "You've got to Stand for Something" to "Carry On"

Just wanted to add a quick disclaimer: This is not a blog about music although this only the third post on my new blog and it just happens to be the second one about music. But this blog is about my life and experiences in it and it just so happens that music has a big influence on my life. So while I am writing about music my intent is to share how it is a part of my life and the influence it has on me.

So I had a rough day the other day, I had started making plans for one thing and starting to look forward to the changes it would lead to, but as often is the case things did not go as planned. So once again I was facing another failure and as usual I was disappointed with myself and bummed that what I had hoped would be a good day to celebrate became another reason to be down on myself. And afterwards I had a short drive ahead of me back home, while my first thought was that of giving up at least for the moment and to break my diet. Which I have been doing quite well on over the last two months I have lost over 40 pounds. But while I was trying to decide if i should between Krispy Kreme Doughnuts or Cheesecake Factory or both i had the radio on and the song Carry On by a group called Fun. I have heard this song before but the following lines really stood out to me as I was driving down the street, losing faith in myself.

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone.

Carry on.

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground.

Carry on.

Carry on, carry on.

And as they began to sink in and register, I told myself that although i was not moving forward today I could keep myself from falling backwards from my goals. So as i decided to try and let my past be the sound of my feet upon the ground, and this let me carry on right past Krispy Kreme and then as I approached the exit for the Cheesecake Factory i just kept on carrying on.

The other line that really hit me in that moment was the following verse:

'Cause here we are

We are shining stars

We are invincible

We are who we are

On our darkest day

When we’re miles away

Sun will come

We will find our way home

While i thought about this part of the song I definitely was not feeling like a shining star or invincible. and while this was not my darkest day and really was only a small stumbling block along my way. I was feeling pretty dark and down on myself, which can lead to further dark days and disappointment. So I was thankful for the strength that this great song offered up to me and though i still have a long ways to go in this life, I know if i seek out even the smallest blessing in my life i will find my way home.

And having a two drive home allowed me a lot of time to ponder and try to find a better outlook on my situation and in my life. And of course being in the car alone i had the radio going the whole way home and being that i was in a pondering mood I found some inspiration in some other songs that helped me to feel slightly better about where i am in life and recognize some of the blessings in my life. 

The next song that stood out on my journey home was an older Aaron Tippen song that i have not heard in some time called You've got to stand for something. This is a song i have heard many times before but again these are the lines that provided inspiration to me today. And that is one thing i love about music is although the song may have a totally different meaning the one who wrote, but it is in the moments of life that we are exposed to it that can define it for us. And best of all the next time you hear you may apply it something completely different and totally redefine it. And in know when my wife reads this line she is going to tell me that this same thing applies to scripture study as well. So i will just fess up now i have a harder time applying the scriptures, but I will make it a goal to start working on that. Okay now that I got my confession out of the way, back to the lines in this song that stood out to me today are contained in these two verses:

He'd say you've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything

You've got to be your own man not a puppet on a string

Never compromise what's right and uphold your family name

You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything

Now we might have been better off or owned a bigger house

If Daddy had done more givin' in or a little more backing down

But we always had plenty just living his advice

Whatever you do today you'll have to sleep with tonight

When I've heard these verses in the past I usually tend think of my father who is my greatest hero. (More about him in my upcoming Father's Day post!) But today as listened to the words in these verses my focus when straight to the first and last lines, which say again say:

You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything.

Whatever you do today you'll have to sleep with tonight. 

So as I pondered I thought about these questions; What is it that I stand for? Do I stand for anything? How can i figure out what it is i stand for? Is what I stand for of value? Is there any purpose to it? And while I would love to say that I pondered long and hard and then the answers all came to me and it was all so clear, they did not and it is not. But it gave me something to think about and perhaps in time i will figure out some of these answers. While most of these answers could simply be answered by the standard seminary answers (Incase any of you are wandering this a LDS/Mormon slang term meaning the basic gospel answers; such as prayer, scripture study, and or going to church.) And yes those answers would apply and for the most part be correct, but in instances like these the answers are much more personal and must be sought out. So for now let's just say that I am doing what i can to seek them out, and hopefully I will find the answers i seek.

And while i just said the answers did not come to me as i pondered, but that is only a partial truth. Because there was one other song that really resonated with me today and it was a new song, well at least new to me it is called Hey Brother by an artist called Avicii. But this time it was not just a line or a verse but the whole song that sang out to me today, here are the lyrics:

Hey brother, there’s an endless road to re-discover.

Hey sister, know the water's sweet but blood is thicker.

Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you,

There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do.

Hey brother, do you still believe in one another?

Hey sister, do you still believe in love, I wonder?

Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you,

There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do.

What if I'm far from home?

Oh, brother I will hear you call.

What if I lose it all?

Oh, sister I will help you out!

Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you,

There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do.

Hey brother, there’s an endless road to re-discover.

Hey sister, do you still believe in love, I wonder?

Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you,

There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do.

What if I'm far from home?

Oh, brother I will hear you call.

What if I lose it all?

Oh, sister I will help you out!

Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you,

There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do.

What a fantastic song i definitely recommend listening to it if you have not heard it before. While i listened to this song I just could not help but to think what a wonderful family I have been blessed with. I have two parents who would do anything for me and have made so many sacrifices for me and my siblings over the years, not to mention all the other people they have helped over the years. you could not ask for better role models in life than my mom and dad. And on top of that i grew up in home with 5 siblings one brother and 4 sisters and though at we've had minor fights and disputes over the year but when it comes down to it I know they love me and I love them. And as we have all grown and started families of our own we just doubled (well almost Brady will catch up soon enough) the number of siblings as my sisters  have married great guys who take such great care of them and I love them all like the brothers that they have been to me. And all of them (well almost again Brady gets a pass for now) have raised some incredible kids, my nieces and nephews, help give me hope for the future. And Devoney my wife has put up with so much from but she is still there by my side. And though we don't see her family (In Canada) as often as we would like they too have been a blessing in our lives. And while i could go on and on about all of my extended family all of who are great, i will close with mention of my little man Xavier (My son who is awaiting us in Heaven, working on a post with more about him as well.) Though his time was short on this earth he had so much spirit and love to share that he touched (and continues to) the hearts of so many people. 

Okay I know I am going on and on about my family, but I will get back to point I was trying to make, which is that "There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do" my family and they have proven over and over again that there’s nothing in this world they wouldn’t do me. So if nothing else today I realized on my drive home that if nothing else I stand for my family and they help to give my life purpose. And I know there is more and I will continue to search out the answers, and would love to hear your feedback in the comments below. What do you stand for?

Timothy J Wolfe

Thawing my Frozen Heart by learning to Let it Go!

I have been a huge Disney fan for as long as I can remember, I love Disney movies as they have always been uplifting and motivational for me. I love being able to sit down and become a part of the world up on the screen, and let everything else go even if it is just a short reprieve from everything else going on. So when I heard all the reactions to and great reviews for Disney's "Frozen", I was excited for the opportunity to see it, and my high expectations for it were met. I absolutely enjoyed the story and the characters within the movie, but I was most drawn to the positive messages which it contained. Most of all the message contained within the popular song "Let it Go" which is what I would like to talk about in this post.

Letting it go, can mean so many things and I would imagine it means something different for each of us, but being this is my post I am going to be talking about what it has meant to me and the inspiration that it has provided me in my life. But I would love to hear how it has inspired you or your kids, so be sure and leave your experiences below in the comments section.

To start with I would like to pull out individual lines from the song and discuss how I related to it and or how it made me feel. The first line is "A Kingdom of Isolation" in the song Elsa is referring to being alone on the mountain as well as the separation from her friends and family. I quickly related to this particular line, because I like Elsa have become withdrawn and kept to myself as much as possible. Sure I have always tried to stay close to my family but even while with them I tend to withdraw and hold back. And because of the difficulties with my weight and my lack of success in school (I plan to discuss both of these further in a future post), I have felt ashamed of who I have and or have not become. So though it is by my own doing and design I have become very withdrawn and some may say anti-social over the years. So as I thought about Elsa's situation and how she was recognizing the effect her isolation has had on her and her loved ones, it gave me hope that I to could start breaking down some of the walls I have built up in my own kingdom of isolation. And Incase you have not guessed it this blog is one of my wrecking balls, that I have slaughtered out to help me tear down these walls.

The next lines that I related with was "The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, 

Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried." For those who don't know me and probably for many who do know me, I am not a very open person with my feelings good or bad I tend to keep them locked up inside for as long as possible. So I truly related to this feeling, I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I have spent stirring in my bed, or how many lost moments I have had because I am unable to focus or concentrate on the task at hand. All because I tend to keep everything inside and to myself. Why do I keep it all bottled in? Well I still don't really know, but I suppose a lot of it is I don't want to upset or worry others with my problems or concerns. It definitely is not because I am lacking in supportive people in my life, because I have so many great friends and family. But I just don't like to be a burden, or feel that if I can carry another's burden to prevent any hardship to them, that I will. While I still believe at times it is okay to hold back and keep some things to yourself, I am trying to open up more and it has been a healthy step in my life.

This next line kind of follows along with the last one, but I will add to it anyhow "Don’t let them in, don’t let them see...Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know." A big part of withdrawing from others and the world you live in concealing your feelings, you always try to put on a happy face in front of others. Or in my case I learned that it was easier to make fun of myself before others, did it on their own. At least this way I could put up the appearance that my weight and other issues did not bother me. While I know this defensive approach, did at times make things easier on me, overall it probably played a big part in my becoming so critical of myself. From this I have learned the importance of trying to be more open, not only with others but with myself as well.

And the next line says"Well, now they know," and though this line in its self did not really inspire me, I can promise that once you open up and let others in you will find peace. I know for me the more I open up and the more people I let it in and the more I let go, the happier my life has become. And once you start to "let it go" you will see that the next line holds great power "Can’t hold it back anymore." Because once you start to "let it go" you'll see that not only can you not hold it back anymore but you will soon realize you no longer need or want to hold it back.

While I still struggle with this next one, I am still working on bettering myself with this, it says I don’t care, what they’re going to say." I have told myself time and time again that I don't care what others think and while this may have helped me feel better about myself thinking I did not care, I still avoided people because I knew I did care what they thought. Being a bigger person you almost have to harden yourself against the judgment of others at times, because you do often get judged on your outward appearance. And unfortunately a lot of people tend to react and or treat obese people differently, while some have cruel intent most do not, but unfortunately the truth can be hurtful no matter how it is found. So though cold thoughts and words do bother me I am trying to let that go as well.

The next two lines also hold a lot of truth to them the first is "It’s funny how some distance

makes everything seem small." With this I have found that it is so true that the further you get from any situation the easier it is to accept or digest. Often times when we are in the heat of the moment, it is hard to be as understanding, but as we cool down and begin thinking more rationally we can better understand not only our own perspective but that of the others involved. And I believe that when we better understand others we can learn to love them more fully which allows us to forgive them and let go of the past. Which plays a huge part in the line that follows which is "And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all." Which again speaks another absolute truth, at least from my experience. Because once you go through all the stages described in song and begin to "Let it go, you will be freed from your fears that have held you back for so long, and you be free to move forward in life.

And you will know that "It’s time to see what I can do," because the limits that you have placed on yourself for so many years will be gone and you'll be free to "To test the limits and break through," the barriers you once found security in, but now you can say "I’m free!"

As you "Let it go" you will see the inspiration behind this next line as well "I am one with the wind and sky." Which again I am sure we will all pull different meaning from this line, based our own individual beliefs and experiences. But for me learning to let go, has helped to become one with not only myself and my family, but also with Heavenly Father and my savior Jesus Christ. Because as I have learned to open up with my self and others and began to repair my relationship with them and though it is still a work in progress I am starting to feel at one with them once again. 

“I’m never going back, the past is in the past.” Is another key point in the song, because after you start to progress forward in life it is almost inevitable that something or someone is going to try and bring you back down. And all to often in life (at least for me) when we take one step forward we falter and end up join back two or three steps. So it is absolutely crucial that as your progressing forward in life that you find a solid foundation to build upon so that you have the proper support all around you to keep you up. And while the past is in the past, and most often we should keep it there, but while we are looking and moving forward. We need to not forget where we came from and the experiences that have made us who we are so that we can learn from them and use that to rise from our past like the break of dawn.

Enjoying the Journey on the way to Our Eternal Happily Ever After

"Once upon a time" is a phrase that has brought joy and hope to many of us, what is it about this phrase that provides us with such joy and hope? For me and I would assume many of you would agree, it is that we know that "Once Upon a Time" leads into the one thing that we all strive for each day with our fullest hopes and dreams and that is the magical phrase "and They All Lived Happily Ever After." What more can we ask for in life than our own "Happily Ever After?" Knowing that from this point forward in life, everything is going be great and we will face no more suffering or tribulation. What a peaceful feeling that would be to free from the worry of loss or the fear of failure; how wonderfully fantastic would that be?

Can we as individuals in a world full of loss and failure ever know this peace? Or is "Happily Ever After" just a fairy tale or a dream that, though we hope for it, can never be attained? Well, though I have yet to reach my own personal "Happily Ever After,” I have faith that it is possible for each of us to find that peace that comes from knowing that we will live happily ever after. However I think we need to realize it won't come easily and it is not something we can achieve on our own. Saying this, I believe the key to us all finding our happily ever after is through the Atonement and gospel of Jesus Christ. He has made it possible for each of us to overcome our own weaknesses and failures, to return with Him to our Heavenly Father, which means not only will we live happily ever after now but we will gain an eternal happily ever after. So though it will not be easy and is not something we will obtain right away, it is available for each and every one of us.

Often, as we think of fairy tales we often jump from the "Once Upon a Time" right into the "Happily Ever After.” In doing so, we forget that even in these tales of happiness and success, these characters face much suffering and tribulation before reaching their "Happily Ever After.” Forgetting these characters’ struggles, we often expect to be able to do the same in our lives and jump straight into our own "Happily Ever After.” Thus, when we don't achieve this, it only causes more pain and suffering as we begin to doubt ourselves and own self-worth. This is the work of the adversary. He wants us to become weak and broken so that he can tempt us away from our Heavenly Father. He does this in many ways, including trying to lure us into a feeling of entitlement so we become frustrated when things don't go as planned, which just drives us further from our goal of an eternal happily ever after.

As we move forward in our lives we all tend to set goals. With these goals, we often will say once I achieve this goal I will be happy or at least one step closer to being happy. But when we achieve, then we decide, “Well, actually to really be happy I must do this.” Or even worse, if we fail to achieve said goal, we become depressed and frustrated with ourselves, and we are even further from an eternal happily ever after. So how do we find our eternal happily ever after? Well, first, we need to learn to be happy regardless of our current circumstances, and learn to be grateful for what we have been given and achieved thus far in the journey of life. If can’t learn to enjoy the little things now, we still won’t be happy when we obtain our bigger goals. Sure, we are still going to face sorrow and loss—that is part of this life—but we can’t let it overcome us.

This is much easier said than done. I am still struggling in my personal pursuit of an eternal happily ever after. But in my life I have struggled with finding happiness in my life despite the many blessings and great support I have always had. And every time I failed to reach a goal I had set or faced a loss in my life, I moved further and further from the happiness I longed for. It got to the point where I had given up on my search for happiness, as I had become content with my failure and felt no further desire to obtain an eternal happily ever after. This was because not only I had lost my faith in myself, but I no longer felt I deserved to be happy. Nevertheless, I am coming to see that we all deserve happiness and joy. We just have to learn to recognize it throughout the different times in our lives.

I had allowed myself to be overcome by the feelings of failure and loss and I allowed the adversary to creep in and convince me I did not deserve happiness or peace in my life. I saw many of my failings as proof that I had no value in the eyes of my Heavenly Father. But despite the fact that I had given up on myself, I began to see glimmers of hope through great people in my life who continued to have faith in me, and have continued to reach out and give me hope that perhaps an eternal happily ever after was still a possibility. And though these glimmers of hope began to shine a light on what was possible, I still struggled to accept them fully. But, luckily, these shining examples in my life continued to reach out and helped build a bridge for me back from the darkness into the light of the Lord.

My friends and family helped me to see that despite my failings and loss, I still had much to be grateful for and to look forward to. It was through their love and understanding that I found the strength to overcome my sorrows and move forward in life. And though I still have a long ways to go in this life until I find my eternal happily ever after, I look forward to filling the pages between my “Once Upon a Time” and my “Eternal Happily Ever After” with many more pages of exciting adventures with my family and friends.

And I hope to share some of those pages with all of you in hopes of inspiring those in need of inspiration as well as learning from others willing to share from the pages of their journey. I do this hoping that we can all help each other along the way until we reach our “Eternal Happily Ever After.”

Timothy Jackson Wolfe